I have thought to myself a few times - if only I had known what came next I would have...
made different choices -
made fewer mistakes -
walked a straight line instead of circles -
wasted less time dillydallying around
been more focused on getting 'there' - because I would have known where 'there' was....
As incredible and fantastically created as we are - this one feature is not included - why not?
Surely not for a lack of desire on our part - when was the last time your heart made a sigh as you wished you knew what came next?
It seems that knowing what lays around the corner would make 'right now' easier.
It seems....
maybe I could breathe easier
relax in the knowledge that this is just a phase - a bad one - coming to an end
maybe I wouldn't worry
If I knew what came next, I could prepare for it...
With these thoughts, memories came and gave me a hint as to why not.
When I arrived here in Portland, it was with a 6 months tourist visa - that is now 22 years ago!!!
Had I known........
- that 6 months would stretch into 22 years, and counting
- how much loneliness I would encounter
- that after our daughter would be born, the richest season in my life, my mom would be too far away to be part of it
- about the heartache and longing that particular void would bring
had I known that -
I doubt I would have come
Remember the story about Joseph? He was the youngest son of Jacob. Joseph had 10 older brothers, one sister and a younger brother - but he was the favorite, loved more than the rest by his father.
Was he aware of that? I have no doubt about that!
At the age of 17 God gives him two dreams, one grander than the other. What is Joseph's response to these dreams? He runs to his brothers and tells them how he is to rule over them and that they are to bow down before him!!!
The brothers didn't care much for him to begin with, spoiled and favored as he was.
Was Joseph ready for that dream to be fulfilled at this time? I think not. What came next for him is rather sad - I would not wish that on anybody - but because Joseph trusts in God and does not let go of that, he comes out merciful and compassionate in the end as the dream is fulfilled.
I am convinced that each part of my journey is preparing me for what comes next. What I see and experience, what I struggle with right now, is preparing me for what lays around the corner - unseen.
Each day, each choice, (right or wrong) each hardship, (big or small, short or long term) is preparing me for the future - unseen around the corner.
It is teaching me:
wisdom (hopefully...),
compassion,
hope and faith
who God truly is,
who I am in Him
and how he sees me.
how to find my joy in Him, not my circumstances,
- it is refining me and building up my endurance.
And then I found another hint -
John 16:12 "I still have many things to tell you, but you cannot bear them now"!
Are some things too hard for us to know - would the knowledge overwhelm us, crush and render us unable to continue the journey?
Is it out of love....
As a mother, I have kept things from our daughter - why?
- because she wasn't ready to know about it!
- because I love her!
I don't know what is in store for me -
I don't know what He is preparing me for -
what is yet to come -
Here is what I trust:
He will not give me more than I can handle...ever!
Why?
Because I know he loves me!
-b
(ps. all pictures, except for the last one, are taken by www.misskaylaphotography.com)
