The library and the tape measure...

My ears heard a fragment of a sentence, my heart saw a door open - crossing the threshold revealed a room with shelves from floor to ceiling, books upon books lined up next to each other, titles printed...my heart grew heavy - this was not my library, but I recognized some of the titles.
Each book was about shame. Each book had its own cover.
Overwhelmed by sadness at the amount of books my eyes scanned across some titles...

I was neglected.                                      

I was mobbed.                              

I was manipulated
I never measured up.
I was rejected.                                  

I messed up.                                            

I was used.                                    
I was different.

I was behind.                                                                                                    
I was poor.

I was exposed.                                          
I was abused.                                
I was unheard.

I was belittled.

I was oppressed.                                      
I was unloved.                              

I was never chosen.

I was compared.
I was invisible.





             
                Each book belonged to someone, penned from the heart with tears of sorrow...
                                                 
                                                 - what title does your book have -

Shame, shame, shame - oh the damage it does to our self-image. The loneliness, the hiding and closed door to 'rooms' of the heart, out of fear and self protection, and the never-ending list of ways we try to shed this cloak clinging to our soul.

Could we but scrub long enough, cut a vein bleed it out, starve it to death, scream loud enough to drown out its whisper, run far enough to escape its shadow, or maybe time is the key ...

                  - but we can't can we, because we have all tried, and tried again, and again...

Have we not all heard the phrase; "Time heals all wounds"!
May I just pull away the nice sound of this and reveal that there is no truth in that - none whatsoever. Time is a measurement,  pure and simple, it has no feelings, no powers to heal or mend.
Time has no keys either. (Jesus has them, remember..)

Time is an invisible tape measure running alongside us - what will you give this credit for?

There's only one bath with power to wash away shame, once for all and ever!
Only heaven holds the key to unlock the shackles of shame - rendering you free to be, to soar, to run, to live in the power of transparency and intimacy...

The key is truth, the bath is love!!
The truth of God, your heavenly Father and Creator - let Him pour into your heart the truth of who you are, who He created you to be.
The bath of the Father's and Jesus's love for you - this love for you made Jesus leave heaven....leave heaven, walk in your world, know suffering, rejection and heartache, and sacrifice himself for you, me - the human race - to make us his, make us belong, become children of God, chosen, loved, favored, heard, seen and rejoiced over!!

This truth is what sets prisoners free, this love is what washes away any shame - and enables freedom to ring through your whole being, body, soul and spirit!

God is good and his love endures forever, and to him belong all glory, honor and praise forever and ever.
Can I get a hallelujah and amen...

-b

you can't fly with one wing...

On my morning run I heard this sentence in my heart;
                                         
                                              You can't fly with one wing.
     As that is not a secret, I let the thought linger and waited for a paragraph.,,

It is not a given that the culture we love, even a part of, lives is inside us.
(Nor does agreeing with/re-posting all the good posts on facebook mean we are living it out.)

And if the culture isn't living in us we can't spread it. We can't give what we don't have.
If we truly love and believe in the culture we are a part of and desire it to be alive inside us as well, then welcome to the club of courageous living, where attending isn't satisfying neither is pointing the way. But jumping in with both feet and a whole heart, living a sold out life and like Paul can say; do as I do!
There is a Kingdom culture out there - it is bold, courageous, powerful, exciting, invigorating, somewhat unpredictable and so full of life.

It is not hush-hush, be careful of the toes, nor is it disrespectful, but encouraging freedom in each individual to embrace and pursue all that God created them to be, and to embrace each gift and use them.
It is exhilarating and having tasted it there is no desire to go back. It is where the wind flows and where we are called to be light and salt. It is where we soar.

It can seem daunting to step all in, what will 'they' think, what will it cost....

                                           -  it takes two wings to fly -

-b

the road that leads

There was the temple, and deep within, past the outer courts, past the holy place, hidden behind a heavy curtain, inaccessible to all but one - the holy of holies.

I wonder how much believers longed for access to this hidden place where only the high priest was allowed. The hunger for an encounter with God, the deep desire to be in His presence......

And here we are, with access to it all, any time, any day - with no excuse, yet at times remain in the outer court...

 If we have ever experienced being in the holy of holies, then to remain in the outer court leaves us dissatisfied and it is easy to start looking for excuses or blame. Let's look within!


                   I think there is a road that leads to the holy of holies - a road within the heart...

At times this road is only as long as a step across a threshold, other times it seems long, winding or an uphill battle, other times again we are swept up and carried there by anointed worship.

Do you ever wonder why this is - why the difference?
Whatever the reason(s), I do know two things to be true -

                        It is our choice to journey this road that lies within our hearts

- there is no curtain, no door, but a throne room where worship is always in session inviting
us to partake.......


the holy of holies beckons, let's journey together,
-b

motherhood

With mother's day upon us what better time to let some thoughts spill out that have roamed around in me for a while...

We carry in our heart the motherhood we were raised under, it has shaped us, developed the lens through which we view life, much of who she is has been weaved into our character -

As mothers we pass on who we are, and what we came from is part of who we are, all the good, but also the bad that has not been sifted, sorted, healed, forgiven and overcome.
         All that is within us comes out, somehow, somewhere. sometime - we are a sieve....

I do believe this is something we are aware of, but often forget. For our health and wholeness and for the health and wholeness of our children, finding the courage to wander the hallways of our soul is important.....
to settle the score with forgiveness, follow the thread of outbursts to the gnarly lump of hurt and seek healing, choose honesty over denial, to admit where we self-medicate in order to deal with pain/loneliness/low self-esteem etc. and be courageous in the path to change.
For this is true: We are not alone in this + all of heaven is for us, the creator of heaven and earth, God is with us, He desires wholeness in every part of our being, body, soul and spirit - the path to this is found in Him, it is found with Him and through Him as He provides us with the strength to overcome every obstacle, the oil that heals every wound and the miracle life that creates new beginnings.  


We raise our children through much of what we say, but even more through what we do, how we handle and treat ourselves and others, our attitudes and moods, our silent communications spill out and are picked up by their keen spirit, that senses much, hears the unspoken, understands little but tucks all in the heart where everything simmers and will in time become blooms on the branches of their character - good and bad.

I was raised by a perfectly imperfect woman, who went through struggles, disappointments and heart break, but that's not the point, we all go through 'stuff'.
The point is how we deal with it,
                                            because that's the part we pass on.

Here is my example - here is my mother.......

I have seen her smile and laugh, I have seen her cry, bent over from deep hurt in her soul...
I have seen her in heavy silence and I have heard her voice lifted in anger...
I have seen her bold and also fearful...
                                             
                                                     -  but I have never seen self pity  -

there have been steep mountains for her to overcome, but I have seen her reach the top and lift her eyes to heaven with renewed strength...
with mature eyes I have recognized courage in her,
the courage that will rise up against oppression, with trembling heart make her voice heard...

               -  I know she was a victim, but she has never lived nor spoken as one  -

I have seen sorrow cloak her as dark as a starless night...
but always seen her embrace heaven's joy that comes with the morning...
even when the night was long, she would say that life is worth living...
                         
                                       -  and always invite joy to be part of the journey.


It is who she is, it is who she chooses to be, and it is a powerful and inspirational testimony, a legacy to me. I am eternally thankful for her, she continues to teach me about life through her own.
I love her.
                                               Happy mother's day to you mom

                                       and to every woman who is a mother to, or for someone.

 -b

a silent mask still speaks...

I hope you are ready for honesty - not just mine.....

Let me begin with a question;
when you look back in time towards a chapter in your life that you'd rather erase all together -
how does it look back at you - what mask do you see?

Walk through this little background story with me;

If Facebook is good for something, it's that it created an opportunity for me to reconnect with friends in Denmark that I had lost contact with since moving to USA. One such reconnection happened 4 years ago with an amazing lady, who used to be a teacher when I was a student at a Bible college.
The honesty and vulnerability was real and friendship blossomed and we started dreaming of a face to face reunion.

On a sunny day in June last year it happened - I had stepped out of the bus and onto the streets of Copenhagen, saw her get out of a car coming greet me.
The joy, laughter, hugs - face to face was finally happening....

I look up past her and see her husband walking towards us
- instantly my heart enters a vacuum and is simply on hold, waiting.......

You see, there is a story of brokenness written in one chapter of my life, and the moment I glanced up, 29 years of written pages were flipped back!

29 years ago, I left a Bible college half way through the year - left in shame, out through the backdoor.
A broken engagement, a sad, desperate lie to try and keep it going ended with exposure, my heart and spirit crushed in hurt and shame.

Eyes to the ground, I returned home to seek out close friends to whom I had lied  - to seek and find their forgiveness. Over time, as I found my own, I could again face myself in the mirror.
It is hard to express how pitiful and shameful I felt, the complete and utter loss of all sense of self-worth and trust in myself.

As I write this, I wonder if you can relate on some level. Relate to having done something that you never thought yourself capable of, thought was beneath your character, that you were more honest, honorable, that you were stronger and surely never would......

Well, I have often wondered what Peter felt like after he had denied knowing Jesus and ran off to hide.
After his courageous outbursts of being prepared to die for Jesus - surely he thought he knew himself...

 Standing there on a sidewalk in Copenhagen, I realized I am coming face to face with my past
 - the door of which, up till then, had been closed, I had moved on, not the same person any longer.

Yet at times a reminder would turn my head to see a mask looking back at me, wordlessly accusing me through a whispered question;
                                                           what do they think of me....

 photo by tbphotographypdx.

Now, you need to know that my friends husband had never said anything to me regarding this
       - all this was a complete internal feeling, happening in the time span of a few seconds...

I believe that God in His grace used him, to represent and bring me face to face with that chapter, in order to finish it.
Truthfully I can tell you I thought of it as finished - turns out I had just learned to live with unfinished business....

What was unfinished about it after all these years?

                                                 - a mask looking back at me -
     leaving me with doubt, unease, shame and a hope to never meet anyone from 'back then'.


- when you look back in time towards a chapter in your life that you'd rather erase all together -
how does it look back at you - what mask do you see? What is it whispering to your soul?

If the mask you see, leaves you unsettled about it once again, whether you'll ever get over it, find healing, forgive yourself, not be remembered for 'that' by others etc. etc.....

well, dear one, I can only tell you, through this experience, that it will take trust in God and some courage as well.


Trust -
because, you will get over it through letting God heal that part of you, that caused this to happen.
Know that it is the broken places in us that causes us to cause hurt - to ourselves and/or others - so be honest to the bone, no excuses to cover up and make a mess look pretty in His eyes.

Courage -
And if you don't know why you do what you do or did.........ask!
Crave freedom so deep that you find courage to ask. God knows, and he will tell you, gently.

It is essential that you forgive yourself - yes that's a tough one, but you must apply the grace God gives you to yourself as well and know that even the loss of your trust in yourself will eventually return as God heals, strengthens, and builds you up again.

And here is a promise:
if you learn that your strength is in him - not your own amazing standards or will power -
                                             you will be stronger than before!

As to what others remember you for..
 - I can't promise you anything there, only advise you to remember;
              your worth comes from God and that he has re-written your past as well.

This is truth! - and the foundation you need to stand on, and have firmly anchored in your heart.

They may not have covered your past with grace - they may still look at you as tarnished or fallen..
 BUT that is something God, in his time and grace for them, will confront them about.

You, on the other hand, will have more freedom in your spirit enabling you to soar higher
- a clearer understanding of your identity in Christ and with that, greater authority.

Unexpectedly, 29 years later, on a beautiful sunny day, on a sidewalk in Denmark, this chapter from my past was being finished

as I watched 'it' walk towards me with a big smile, being embraced in a love filled hug, a miracle happened.....

the accusing mask, I through fear of other's thoughts and lingering shame, had put on my past was ripped off, revealing truth.

                            - then I felt my soul breathe out for the first time in 29 years...

                            oh friends, to walk in freedom is sweet indeed, yes and amen!
                             

God is so good and desires us to live in the freedom he bought for us, and in his love guides us to the obstacles that hinders us from that life - not to make us stumble, but to bring healing and victory.

        Let us follow in complete trust and with the spirit of courage he has bestowed in us.


-b

Thoughts from the crowded nativity scene

So it's past Christmas- I know, just took our decor down the other day..... 

This year the nativity scene was allowed space, it doesn't happen every year because at some point I decided the world would still turn and Christmas would still be wonderful without all these molded people lined up whicheverway watching the cribcradletrough. But before that, or in connection with that, I had also arrived at the conclusion how little I actually liked this conglomeration of people and animals. Sorry, don't hate me now. I like the people, love animals (hmm.. maybe that should be I love people and like the animals) 

and of course the magical story of Christmas is at the center of my faith, so don't think I've lost faith and fallen off the wall and such. 

It's more that this whole nativity scene-set is so out of touch with the truth that some years I just can't handle it. Well seriously, come now. 

But as I started out saying, this year it found a place where everyone had space to stand, kneel, be amazed without being all cluttered and bunched up. Even the camels looked like they were outside - who'd want camel breath on their newborn?? 

(woops, now I wonder why this set only has two camels when there's three wise......)

Our two front windows face west and every afternoon the sun finds its way through the blind slats creating a wonderful mood in our living and dining room.

Nativity scene plus golden light... yep, loved watching that happen almost every day, it was probably the only time I payed attention to the scenery.

 

Skipping all the hubbub concerning the wise kings, I settled on a thought about just how far they traveled.....

How far and how long did it take them to get to their destination by camel back? About two years, if I remember right. They arrived to a little toddler, saw what they had foreseen, the newborn King, showered him with expensive gifts and then they had a long return journey ahead of them. 

I just started wondering what they left behind for two years - did they know how long it would take before setting out? They were well off, but how many well-to-do people are willing to leave that, and what that all entails, behind? Not the wonderful young man that came to Jesus asking what to do to inherit eternal life in Mark 10:17-31, not Ananias and Sapphira. I know, different scenarios and such, but it was about leaving money/wealth behind. 

Were they well known in society, I'd say so, sought out for advise, wisdom, insight, knowledge etc. 

But they had found something in their study of the stars, they knew the scriptures and when they saw a certain star rising they knew it was a sign of the birth of Jesus, king of the Jews. 

And this meant so much to them that they were willing to leave comfort, wealth, status, safety and whatnot behind for however long to pursue this amazing event and be there to show their worship, adoration and submission. 

Herod lived just down the street, but couldn't be bothered to go find this child himself....

I am just left with this question to myself; what in heaven's kingdom, a kingdom that I am part of, am I willing to get up and out of my comfort to run after, to intently pursue? 

And for how long.......

Let's be passionate friends - be willing to close doors to lifestyles, friends that are keeping us from running hard after Jesus. Let's be discerning what cages we have created for ourselves through religious rules that shackle us to the ground rather than give us the freedom Jesus bought for us. Let us burn with love for Him so that his name is on our lips and we are not ashamed or afraid to speak of who he is or what he has done to anyone!!

Yes, happy new year indeed. 

-b