Sometimes life runs into you so hard, it knocks you over - usually from behind.... you don't see it coming. Sometimes you land on your knees right away (in prayer) - other times there are 'moments' of floating in limbo.
So often it happen when you get one of "those" phone calls......
I received two of 'those' calls within two weeks. The first one from my brother in-law letting me know something had happened and to call him asap. Unable to reach neither him, nor my mom at 2am DK time, set off thoughts running down every avenue at full speed for 5 hours until my sister called to explain what had happened. Mom had a stroke, but she is ok.
- and she is better than ok, a week later she is back home and almost her former self.
The second one from my mother in-law Sunday morning, - my sister in-law passed away at the age of 44. A medical history as long as Methuselah was old, but still unexpected and sudden.
~
The air seemed to leave me, replaced by a subtle shakiness, thoughts started to jumble, but acting like erupted bag of bouncy balls lead nowhere and make no sense. Unable to focus, eyes roam looking for something or somebody to connect with. Walking from one chair to another, sometimes in circles, picking up something here and there only to put it down there and here instead...... the desire or need to DO something is constant - only there is nothing I can do.
The feeling of not being present is overwhelming and uncomfortable - as if I am walking next to myself. I am performing tasks, but with such a complete detachment it might as well be somebody else.
I found myself in moments of fragmentation knowing I should pray, but unable to focus send up sporadic unconnected sentences as scrambled as both I and my thoughts are.
It made me think of the two Emmaus walkers from Luke 24:13-31. These two, one named Cleopas, were there when the women came running back from the tomb with the news of it being empty - considering it idle talk, they decided to walk to Emmaus.
They were in a state too I believe - still in shock over the death of Jesus, their hope of deliverance crucified with him - gone. Now what? Can you hear them talking? Sometimes to each other, sometimes to themselves, trying to sort out thoughts, events, future. I wonder how scattered they were.
It says their eyes were kept from recognizing Jesus when he showed up walking next to them, talking with them asking what they are so engrossed in conversation about.
7 miles later when they share their supper with him, their eyes were opened so they saw it was Jesus.
I don't know what 'eyes being kept from recognizing' and 'eyes being opened' is all about - the why, or how and all that. Were they in such upheaval that they just couldn't focus? Or was it a case of seeing somebody in an unexpected place.....I have found myself not recognizing someone as I met them outside of their 'normal' setting.....Jesus was dead and buried. But maybe it was just one of those acts of God, wouldn't be the first time eyes being closed or opened - as I said I just don't know.
But here's the fact;
even though they didn't recognize Jesus, he walked with them the whole 7 miles.
There is no place where Jesus is not -
and no matter what 'state' I am in, floating in limbo, or walking beside myself -
Jesus walks with me all the time........all the way!
-b
Amen!
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