I left you last time in the state of Hope......
Let's continue on as I share my own journey that next brought me to the state: Between.
Parents are given to us with the intent of being our guardians, protectors, role models, nurtures and instructors. They are supposed to be our visible image of who God is. But they are imperfect, fallen and often broken, scarred and unhealed. therefore we, their children, often end up disappointed, hurt and with a broken image of them, ourselves and God our Father.
I remember living in the state of Hope. Being young made it a natural and easy state to live in day by day as each new morning, for me, broke with the chance of receiving
an apology,
a compliment -
a day without having to navigate criticism or mood swings.
The chance of change...
I left the state of Hope, when each little parcel of memory or action that gave it sustenance, was smashed to pieces too small to hold me up any longer. The foundation crumbled under the weight of years of disappointments, and being hurt and wronged in different ways.
My mind ran out of excuses and explanations and grew weary of self blame....
The state of Forgiveness was unknown to me - I did not know if its existence.
Yes, I knew the word forgiveness - but that it is an actual state you can live in?
If you are unaware that the state of Forgiveness exists, - or know of it, but chose not to live in it - you automatically live in Between.
I wandered around in Between for years, visiting and residing in the cities.
You may say: " I've never been to the state Between!" Let me introduce you to some of the cities that I know are located there - and maybe you'll recognize the state by the cities....
Resentment, Anger, Revenge, Sorrow, Time Heals AllWounds, Forget AboutIt, Guilt 'n Shame, EverNeedy, Hater of Self, Pity of Self, EternalVictim.
I'm convinced there are many more.
Each of these cities have their own enticement - they draw you in by offering what seems to be exactly what you want. And you'll have the company of many who will hug you in a kind welcome, nod in agreement as you share. They'll spur you on, not in moving on/out of the state mind you, but in your quest for settlement, attention or satisfaction.
My years in Between brought me many things but settlement, satisfaction or peace.
I was always hungry, always thirsty.
Anger will not settle the wrong, or sooth the pain - all it does is cover the pain... for a while.
It was like the itch that ends up hurting when you scratch it.
The city of Revenge draws you in as hours and hours are spent spinning tales and dreaming up scenarios of a final show down - the modern version of "an eye for an eye" - where the thirst is quenched at last, drowned in the ability to expose and inject a pain equal to what you suffered.
Habakkuk, a prophet in the old testament had seen so much unpunished wrong that he ended up asking God how long before he would bring justice.
God answers that it will happen, he will bring justice - to wait for it!!
God then uses a phrase about a traitor in the next paragraph: "...whose greed is as wide as Sheol, like death he has never enough"!
This description, to me, fits the state of Between and what all it's cities provide: dissatisfaction and greed.
Forgiving someone who has hurt you can be hard, but because of what a parent is meant to be, forgiving them can be a very long, heart wrenching and choice dependent process, so completely muddied by emotions, it often feels like taking one step forward and two steps back.
But it all starts with Jesus in whom Forgiveness is found. Do not be fooled by the "forgiveness" that comes by letting time go by.
The saying; "Time heals all wounds", is a lie if ever I knew one, - time has no ability to heal!
Neither is it forgiveness when you by the power of your will suppress or ignore painful memories, or even pretend it wasn't so bad after all....
Jesus offers forgiveness out of a love deeper than the world has ever known - : Matt. 6:14 "...For if you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you."
I have a choice, but I tell you, experiencing that sweet forgiveness that made my heart burden free and able to soar, compels me to pass it on.
When I choose to day by day live in the state of Forgiveness, there is nothing like it.
It does not change the past -
but my present and future are no longer ruled by it.
John 6:35
"I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes shall not thirst".
-b
so blessed to have such a wise woman like you as my mom. and others are so privileged to be taken in by you and hear your heart.
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