In the dead of winter.

Dead, barren, bleak, boring

these were some of the words going through my mind as my eyes scanned from side to side and as far ahead as they could stay in focus........ nothing.
I was on a morning run in the woods.

Trees; naked, barren and colorless everywhere -
The ground; covered with leaves - dead leaves - brown, lifeless, boring.
Winter.

- don't know about you, but I have walked through a 'winter' or two in my life, where no matter where I looked - inside myself or on my circumstances  - I ended up with dead, bleak and barren.....

        - don't care much for that part of winter - but in nature it shows up about once a year -
                                             in my life, every once in a while.

What to do during that time? What to do after words spoken have lost the encouragement they carried, and the ring of truth has become distant - after the well has dried up, and going to get water seems a waste of time - like putting a drop of water in the desert.
               Hope has been locked away behind the gray heaviness that winter tends to bring.

To  walk away comes to  mind after a while....
you see, I could blame God! Why not? - He could change the 'season' after all........if he wanted to.
So why isn't He? Why do I have to go through/live with this? What have I done? Or not done? Doesn't he love me - well, he must not, -very much-, or he would help me, ease my suffering, my hardship, my brokenness or give me what my heart so very much desires....
Why should I stick around for this? What good is it doing me? I'm hurting and unhappy.

Jesus had a warning to the ones that decided to follow him - in Luke 14:28        
Actually, let's back up a verse
                                               because this statement comes first, verse 27:
             "whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me, cannot be my disciple".
- then he goes on to caution the listeners to make sure they know what the cost is before they start out. He compares it to someone building a tower, who before even starting to build makes sure he has what he needs to complete it.
                          Can't say I wasn't warned - only that I didn't heed the warning......

What is my faith in Jesus based on? Is it that he is God? The creator of heaven and earth? The one that holds everything together - the very reason the earth is still turning?

Or is he merely a convenience store?
 Sorry, that might seem a bit harsh, but if I go to him when I need something and/or when it is convenient,-  meaning when it fits into my life/plans....?
When I don't get what I came for...... or when I have to say no to other plans/things - then what?
Why do we have this notion that God (if he is good and loving) should do things for us and give us stuff?
I have decided that the fact that he, God my Father, would give up his son, would sacrifice him for my rescue shows more love than I can fathom.

                                          Why would I ever ask for more....

The fact that Jesus, my savior, would go through the pain and suffering he did for my sake, shows more love than I can fathom.

                                          Why would I ever ask for more....

The more I think about, and understand, how much they each gave up for me - the price they each had to pay for my rescue - the bigger and more precious it becomes.
Why would I ever doubt their love for me - what else do they have to do for me to convince me of their love for me?
                              If that is not enough,  then nothing will ever be - for long.

If I focus on my needs, my circumstances, my pain or brokenness - it will eventually consume me, steal my joy and fill my eyes till I see nothing else.....till it overshadows what Jesus gave up for me!

If what Jesus sacrificed for me isn't enough to satisfy me for the rest of my life - no matter what I ever have to go through or endure - then that is a chink in my faith.

     - And like a pane of glass it might hold up for a while - unless it comes under pressure....

Halfway through my run in the woods a memory landed, that changed my view of all the dead leaves covering the ground. In the ground were flowers waiting for the next season to arrive. The leaves were like a blanket covering them, helping to protect them against the harsh weather that would rage above.
How swiftly we forget, when seasons change, how glorious it all was.
How soon we forget, when seasons change, and what I see looks devoid of life and color, that God is always at work underneath it all.

I have not forgotten that winter lasts longer in some places than others - there is an answer for that!
 - something about the position of the sun and the tilt of the earth's axle -
I have also seen people live in, what to me seems, eternal winter - I don't have the answer to the why.

                                                               But
 I do know that God is good and that he will remain so - that his faithfulness never ceases and that his mercies are new every morning, that his love for me is steadfast and doesn't change as seasons come and go.

So over time, when 'winter' comes, I have learned to hunker down, fix my eyes on Jesus and wait patiently for spring. But should it never arrive, I'd still love and follow him - because as it stands
He has done more than enough, for me to be thankful the rest of my life!

-b